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Post by Cere on Jul 16, 2011 21:12:36 GMT -5
Glad to see you back, Steffie, and with more of your writing too. From what I remember, I really enjoy your characterization of Denise. I wish I was as good at writing stories as you are. Anyways, I copied and pasted the chapters onto Wordpad to take home to print and will give them a read later. Thanks for sharing.
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Post by Cere on Oct 5, 2011 21:28:38 GMT -5
No comments? I won't stand for that, especially after all the effort it must have taken to write a story from start to finish. I'm sure I've said before that stories about the character's everyday life and troubles are my favourite, if the characters are likable, which is definitely not a problem for your story. Since it's been some months since my last reply, I decided to start from the prologue and read a chapter a day, which will only take me nine days to finish the whole story. So, about the prologue, Mayor Light may share a name with perhaps the most caring scientist in Megaman history but his policies are absolutely wacky and unethical. From sending the best of your city's police away, thereby, leaving your island's protection to the screwups, to wiping offenders' memories to decrease the crime rate. As I'm writing this, I'm grinning from ear to ear from thinking about it because I get the feeling that our good Mayor is plotting something. Forgetting to press the record button during her report was very cute and Denise-like, and very reminiscent of the gags in my favourite childhood animes from the late80s/90s, such as Patlabor's TV series, coincidentally about a police force. Patlabor (1989), short for Patrol labor (labor being the term for manned robot in the show) is about a group of misfit cops dealing with drunk labor drivers, runaway military prototypes, Soviet defectors, ineffective environmental terrorists, as well as their own personal problems, in the TV series at least. Here's the opening. Both love and hate the overly dramatic English narration. www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfnmfE7fI-E&NR=1 The author apparently joked that the opening featured more mecha violence than the TV series combined.
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Post by Cere on Oct 6, 2011 23:25:41 GMT -5
NP, thank you for continuing to post here and share your stories with us despite how quiet it always is. I enjoy reading fan works, especially the good ones, which always make me want to write something of my own.
So onto Chapter 1. Looks like Denise really needs those glasses if she can't see all the I am evil hints Mayor Light is dropping whom btw should be very glad that nobody has charged him with violating human rights yet. The all crimes are equal statement reveals very well his snobbish way of thinking, and sounds like something a wealthy noble far removed from the challenges of the everyday person would say. So far I have yet to see how Mayor Light ever could have been considered a surrogate grandfather by Denise. My guess is that the good mayor's been replaced by a fake, but if that's the case, it looks like Denise really should get better glasses.
Other things here and there like comparing Carbons to robots were well placed and interesting, especially since I used to have a similar theory.
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Post by Cere on Oct 8, 2011 23:16:43 GMT -5
Chapter 2. Glyde/Glenn sure pulled a fast one with that "You mistook me for my evil twin." trick. IT's the sort of thing that only works in anime (where characters tend to be dense) and anime inspired stories. It requires some suspension of disbelief but it works well for the story you want to tell. And Glyde's slips here and there are fun. I'm curious to find out who this Mayor Light is as he seems to know which of Glyde's buttons to push.
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Post by Cere on Oct 12, 2011 22:36:38 GMT -5
Chapter 3 is probably my favourite thus far, largely thanks to Tiesel's appearance but you did really well inserting lots of jokes in this chapter. I think your characterization of Glyde was the most accurate in this chapter as we get to see his fussiness and sarcasm though it might be better if he didnt make as many slips of the tongue. I realize that Glyde acts a little differently in your stories than in the games due to the different background story you made for him. As for Tiesel, I practically heard his amazing English VA's voice when I read his lines. I forgot to mention this in my last review, but naming their coffee shop the Bonne Bean was sheer genius, lol. I just started playing MOTB (before, I only watched playthroughs) but did #40 really have sticky fingers in the game?
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Post by Cere on Oct 31, 2011 23:48:52 GMT -5
This will be a short review since I need to sleep soon. But I finished chapter 4 just now, and was pleasantly surprised by the story's progress in this chapter. It's like the other chapters were all for the sake of laying the groundwork for chapter 4. I liked Arthur and his morbid fear of Glyde for having once given the Avian themed henchman a parking ticket. Glenn and Mayor Light's true identities were revealed as well as why the good mayor goes to such lengths to wipe criminals' memories. And Tiesel saves the day albeit unintentionally. The cliffhanger ending has me holding my breath since I'm looking forward to finding out if Glyde might revert to his Glenn persona from being zapped by Light's memory gadget. I'm also curious to find out how exactly Mayor Light befriended Denise's father in the past.
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Post by Cere on Nov 26, 2011 23:36:52 GMT -5
Alright. I just read chapter seven so I'll review it now. I did in fact read chapters five and six but didn't review them. I was probably too tired to because I tend to read your stories just before going to bed. Like right now. *yawn*
Your story is moving along much quicker now, which is a good thing, but you're also taking a lot of short cuts in the story telling. I noticed that you often have other characters directly explain to Denise everything that she needs to know in order to keep the plot moving. For example, her discovery that the memory wiping effects are not permanent, and that Mayor Light will be piloting her old robot to 'get rid of Glyde once and for all' These are things that the reader will be wondering about, and will want to find out in more interesting ways than simply read about a character tell Denise about it.
It's also a bit disappointing that the memory wipe is so easily reversed. No wonder the Mayor kept the people he zapped locked up if all it took for them to get their memories back was to stumble across something important to their old selves!
It's a bit sad that Glyde showed no character growth at all. I wish he would've sad something more interesting in regards to his relationship with Denise. It was also a chance for him to say something personal about himself, such as why he's a pirate. After all, Denise would probably like to know considering that she likes him.
I notice that I put a lot of criticism in this review, but I really did enjoy the chapter, and your story overall. Stories about character's ordinary lives that are made just a bit less ordinary by someone/something are relaxing, and are practically the only kind of stories I can enjoy nowadays.
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